


For the Record

by starkind



Category: Batman (Movies - Nolan), DC Cinematic Universe, Iron Man (Movies), Marvel Cinematic Universe
Genre: Crossover Pairings, Crossovers & Fandom Fusions, Gen, Iron Bat - Freeform, M/M, One Shot, Out of Character, POV First Person, Prompt Fill, Secret Identity, Silly
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-04-13
Updated: 2017-04-13
Packaged: 2018-10-18 12:12:08
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,327
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10616667
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/starkind/pseuds/starkind
Summary: A day in the life of an (unknown) S.H.I.E.L.D agent, or:Why no one wants to do an assessment on Bruce Wayne(at first)





	

**Author's Note:**

> This was inspired by a request given to me by the lovely Bridget here on AO3. To avoid spoilers, I will post her original prompt at the bottom of this fic :) 
> 
> Also, my apologies to all Agent of SHIELD fans - I do know this is not an accurate portrayal at all, and I shamefully admit I needed to google the only canon name apart from Coulson that is mentioned in this. To make up for that, the very Mister Wayne is likely to be OOC here, too, so maybe let's file this under 'Absurdity with a dash of crackiness'?

    Let me tell you a story. A story about the life as an agent of SHIELD.
    
       
Usually, we are the cool guys and gals with our super-pressed-suits and black sunglasses and no questions asked. Every now and then, however, there are things which need to be done that no one would envy a SHIELD agent for. Things like writing pages-long assessments for example. Character studies, I call them. Paperwork is just as tiresome at SHIELD than at any other federal office all over the globe, I am sure.
    
       
Except sometimes, you luck out and get some really good stuff to write about. Case in point? Keep on listening. My boss, Agent Coulson, works closely with Director Fury, so our department gets all the goodies. His latest major assignments consisted of the evaluation of billionaire playboy Tony Stark, these days also known as Iron Man. A heavy-hitter-turned-superhero is a good start, methinks.
    
       
Now, with the final implementation of the so-called Avengers' Initiative close at hand, we are to evaluate not only all team members' living circumstances, closest allies, friends, foes, and whatnot but also any potential threats that could endanger the general goal of the initiative on a wider scale. So, as it turns out, my colleague gets the good stuff – an assessment of the creature they call the Batman / The Dark Knight.
    
    
    
       
That downright scary vigilante has been operating right out of Gotham City for about a year now, bringing down criminals and mobsters like it is nobody's business. Of course, SHIELD is beyond intrigued about the Bat, even if they play it cool on the outside. Get intel they said. Find out if the Batman is a threat to national security. Man, I would have loved to do all kinds of paperwork if it meant to get an insight into 'The Batman Complex'.
       
Sadly, life had other plans, and the job went straight to my colleague. That s. o. b. even waved the assignment over his head like a damn trophy or something. But, as you probably also know, the grass is always greener on the other side. And I don't really envy my colleague that much, anymore. For weeks now he is basically reduced to running in circles since no observation brought details about that thing.
    
    
       
Or guy. Or whatever it is that calls itself the Batman.  
  
In any case, it is the truest and hardest challenge our whole department has gotten in the past few months. While my colleague is cursing every dead end that he comes up with, and Agent Coulson's stoic expression starts showing hints of vexation at the ineptitude, I am stuck with an assessment on no one else but that dimwitted Bruce Wayne, for his part the self-proclaimed Prince of Gotham City.  

    
    
    
    Why are we as SHIELD so focused on that Debbie Downer City you may wonder. Well, in Wayne's case it is rather simple (there's a pun in there, see?). The golden boy with his flashy smile is none other than Tony Stark's latest boy-toy. Yeah, you got that right. Stark's gay. Or bi, Agent Romanov's jury is still out. So, naturally, Wayne gets to be assessed. Which is about as exciting as watching paint dry. In a retirement home. On a Sunday afternoon.
    
    
       
Anyhow, back to the story.  
  

    
    
    One day, Stark has the audacity to bring that Wayne dude along, like if it was Take Your Child To Work day or something. Standing in between supercomputers and secret high-tech gear is a guy with a $ 500 haircut, a ridiculously expensive-looking suit, and a vapid expression that hovers between simper and smolder, depending on whether Wayne is looking at us, or at his equally filthy-rich loverboy.
    
    
       
Pardon me, this is going to be edited out in the final report.
    
    
       
Now, where was I? Oh, yes, Wayne and Stark. At our compound, holding hands while Stark acts like its a freaking sightseeing tour, pointing out things left and right while strolling down the corridors. Until he -and here's where it is getting good- encounters none other than Phil Coulson. Rumor has it Coulson once tasered Stark at his own mansion and left him to drool into the carpet.  
  

    
    
    I don't know if that's true or not, but I know my boss has got it in him. He has experience in dealing with those being born with a silver spoon in their mouth. The pattern, Coulson has once said, is always the same. You are most likely to encounter a ditz, a braggart, or both. Frankly, I think Stark's kinda cool, what's with his Iron Man stunt and all. Deep down, I suspect my boss is not that opposed to him, too, after all that man built himself a flying suit.
    
    
       
Now, however, said Agent Coulson is less than pleased with Stark's laissez-faire attitude, suit or not.
    “There are no civilians allowed in this sector, Stark.”
    Instead of the glib-tongued Tony Stark, it is all-stupid-smiles Bruce Wayne who dares to pipe up.
    
       
Apparently, Mister Armani Made to Measure wants to demonstrate he is capable of civilized speech even without one of his PR assistants close by. “Oh, but it is my fault, Agent. I asked Tony for a tour.” Our boss does not even look at Wayne, at least not to the untrained eye. Coulson is _that_ good. “Agent MacKenzie, please escort Mister Wayne out. Stark, you come with me.”  

    
    
    
     In all fairness, Agent C. usually is the most chill dude ever. And his mood usually is far more light than usual. The ongoing failure of the Batman case and all that jazz made him quite grumpy lately. He proceeds to reach out for Stark's arm and guide him over to where we all assume is Director Fury's office.  

    
    
    
    And then – _man!_ If I had not seen it with my own eyes, I would not have believed it. But it happened. In a move far too fast to follow, yet anticipate, Wayne reaches out, a flash of a dark business suit, and the next thing we know is that Coulson's back hits the floor with a thud.
    
       
Silence.
    You could probably hear a pin drop.
    An ultra-lightweight, special weaponized pin meant to be untraceable.
    
       
Five pairs of eyes stare from Wayne who stands there with a slouch in his posture, exhales and rubs his wrist, over to a shell-shocked Coulson who looks up at the man who felled him out of the blue. The Prince of Gotham then puts a hand atop his heart and his expression morphs into one of equal shock at his own actions.
    
       
“Oh, my. Beg your pardon, Agent. I have taken up some self-defense classes lately. One can never be too careful with all potential kidnapping threats.” Wayne looks downright contrite and even offers our boss a hand up. Needless to say, the boss refuses, already back on his feet. I think I've never seen him that shaken, even if he downplays it very, very well.  

    
    
    
    Meanwhile, all Tony Stark does is stand there and gape at his loverboy. Maybe he is already pondering to explore this new side of his vanilla-squeeze-gone-Karate-Kid to go down a Fifty Shades of Wayne route behind closed doors later on. Those deviant dudes likely own a BDSM studio each.
    
       
Excuse me, I am redlining again.
    
       
To cut a long story short, my boss straightens out his tie, clears his throat, and readjusts his holster under his jacket. “Out. Both of you.” As soon as Stark and Wayne have left the premises, Phil Coulson gives all of us a fierce glower to which heads lower back down to screens and keyboards. No one dares to look up and see him leave. I cannot suppress the fist pump under the table, making sure my colleague sees it.
    
       
Guess whose assignment has just gotten heaps more interesting.
    
       
End of story **  
**
       
  
ETA: Fun fact – the complete video feed of this incident has mysteriously disappeared from all of SHIELD's servers. My bet is on Stark.

**Author's Note:**

> This is the original prompt given to me by Bridget: 
> 
> "S.H.I.E.L.D.' assessment of Bruce Wayne (cuz he's dating Tony) and Batman with Batman getting very serious and scared and impressed reviews and Bruce being declared stupid and harmless and all.... and them having a laugh over it and in the end Bruce takes down Coulson, stares down Fury and teaches them to not to mess with Tony...."
> 
> @ Bridget: If you read this, I hope it is remotely what you had in mind or wanted it to be (even though I know it's rather short and unpolished, and I think Fury was out for lunch during this one, but... oh, well ;))
> 
> Thank you for trusting me with this & for making the gears in my head keep on turning to produce even more stupid IronBat ^_^


End file.
